Stepmum Struggles: Finding My Role in a Blended Family with ADHD

(The Stepmum Role No One Prepared Me For)

So, there I was, behind the wheel, just minding my business, when my phone buzzes. It’s Will. No way I’m checking that while driving (been there, almost wrecked that), so I ring up Ben. He answers, and suddenly his voice goes all shaky while reading the thing out loud. Man, my heart dropped. Real “I-need-help” territory.

Will was stuck at his mum’s again, barely holding it together. That weekend was ours, so obviously Ben drove off, grabbed both boys, and brought them back. The younger one, Patrick, knocked out almost instantly, and after that Will sort of just… crumbled. He didn’t sugarcoat stuff, laid out all the grim details: being basically the stand-in adult over there, nobody looking after him, having to fix everyone else’s mess. Stuff a kid shouldn’t have to juggle at 15, honestly.

So we asked him, hey, what do YOU want? He just says, “I want to stay here.” Like, just like that. I nodded, totally on board. Then a while later I blurt out this question that pretty much split my life into ‘before’ and ‘after’:

“What do you want me to be, in your life?”

He just locks eyes with me, super steady, and says, “I want a mum. I’ve never really had one.”

Whoa. If I’m honest, with all the feels crashing over me, all I could squeak out was, “Okay.” Later that night, I sat there just… carrying the weight of that, you know?

I always kind of figured I’d have kids. Wasn’t sure they’d be mine. Didn’t expect the ‘bonus round’ to look like wading through heartbreak and patching up someone else’s trauma, but here we are. For ages, imposter syndrome kept creeping in. Can I really be this kid’s mum when he’s already had to muscle through so much pain? Will it ever feel like enough?

Eventually, maybe it was from sheer stubbornness or just deep, relentless love, I got it through my thick skull: It’s not about biology. Giving birth? That’s just science. Turning up for someone every damn day? That’s what makes you a mum. Showing up even when you’re bone-tired or terrified or doubting yourself.

I might not have “Mum” written on any legal document, but in Will’s heart? That’s me.

Truth is, nobody drops you a little manual on how to be a stepmum. No GPS coordinates for when you’re suddenly just handed that level of trust. Some days, you’ll wonder if you’ve got enough in you. Here’s what I figured out: You don’t need to share DNA to be the real thing. Just presence, just love, just the stubborn act of standing by them, even when you’re scared stiff.

If you’re navigating the stepmum role or blended family life or juggling ADHD or Autism, Anchored Coaching can give you the strategies and support you need.